Loss

Miscarriage. That dreaded word.

That word, brings a flood of raw emotion that still linger months later.

We had just given birth to Olive four months prior, this baby was a surprise but a happy one! We were amped at the news! Literally so shocked, we took boxes full of pregnancy tests. Ha!

We were 12 weeks pregnant at the time of the miscarriage. Days away from 13 weeks, and right before we would see baby for the first time.

But, God is gracious. I knew something wasn’t adding up based on how I felt and some spotting. It was His sweet way of saving me from being blindsided. It gave me the weekend to process, brace myself, and talk it out, and really cry it out. I told my husband “God is the giver of the gift of life. I trust Him with it.”

I felt peace in that statement, more and more as the weekend passed I knew that to be true, and I knew the frailty of life in way that I didn’t before now.

We went to the doctor knowing something was up, my spirit just knew something wasn’t right like it was with the other three. I remember telling the technician that she wouldn’t find what she thought that day.

I was right. I stared at a life-less little one on a screen, and my heart instantly broke in a way that you can’t describe. That was my biggest fear, seeing it up close and being able to identify that sweet babe. It was unreal.

I felt broken. I felt to blame. I felt hopeless. I felt angry. I felt disappointed. I felt hundred things in those ten minutes. Some emotions I couldn’t even identify. The emotional pain was a lot.

We did the whole doctor conversation thing, where I was basically drowned her out and wanted home. The next day we went into a full blown miscarriage, which included an ER visit, medicine to slow bleeding and IV’s for support. It was the most painful and wretched thing I’ve ever experienced. It didn’t end there, but continued for another 24 hours.

When it was all said it done, we had multiple ER trips, saw lots of doctors, took lots of meds and lost a whole lot. Thankful for our friends and family that stepped up, and loved us through the mess!

It was devastating. When we find out we were pregnant, we instantly planned. We were excited for this baby. We were ready. We were happy it would be so close in age to Olive. We planned names out for each gender. So many things were going into this baby and he/she wasn’t even here yet. Our hearts were broken. In some ways, they still are. If I think about our sweet love my heart sinks but also rejoices. It’s a weird balance of emotions.

When you have a baby, you get to take it home. You get to love on it. Name it. Know it. Care for it. Watch it grow.

When you miscarry, you lose all of that. You lose all those memories, and you are left with one last painful memory of a baby you never got to know fully.

BUT, in all of that, God is so faithful. He has been working through me in this brokenness. Reminding me that He knew this baby, that He holds this baby now. What great comfort to know my Heavenly Father KNOWS, SEES and HEARS us. That He created us, fashioned us and wove us together. That I have a confident hope in seeing that baby again someday. What joy that’ll be to get that moment!

I didn’t get what I wanted. I didn’t get my way. It still sucks. It still hurts. I still have to process that continually. BUT, I know He will take this season, and grow seeds of goodness in me. I know He holds what is dear to me, because it is more dear to Him!

I trust Him even when I don’t understand Him. I trust Him even when I don’t agree with the decision. I trust Him, because He never fails. I know He has good in this brokenness.

I’ve been told repeatedly since our son that having kids “would” be difficult, due to health reason, and that it was amazing I had TWO healthy kids, and Olive was miracle baby basically. I just sit there and go “Thank you GOD for the gift of life even if it is short! I’m so thankful to have each one be mine!”

I’m just thankful. Thankful that God is bigger than doctors, health obstacles, brokenness, and more. Thankful He has good for us even when life is throwing us lemons! I know GOD is using this for His glory because each one of my kids is here because of HIM, and He is holding one for me!

Also. Be kind. Let your words be kind to mama’s everywhere, you just do not know their stories! Whether it’s easy or hard, fun or terrible, motherhood is full of joy and grief, and we should rejoice with them and cry along with them. Each babe is a gift. Let’s thank Him for them whether we hold them here or will hold them later.

Until next time,

Becca

The Christian Culture

The Christian culture has evolved from being word of God based, into a distortion of His word to fit our lives. You can’t water down the only source of truth to fit in, to blend in, to look like the rest of the world.

Jesus even talked about this.

Unfortunately, that’s exactly what we have going on, churches compromising the word of God to suit themselves and others around them.

It’s a fake watered down version of who God really is, and what He really has for you and others.

I think what is happening is we care more about what society, authors, pastors, friends, and family think, more than we actually care about what God has mandated and set forth. He hasn’t changed. He didn’t change. He won’t change.

So, if you want to look like the world, more power to you, but don’t do it with the stamp of God’s word as approval. His word is sacred. It’s the only source of truth we have to cling to in this life.

Don’t taint that. Don’t distort that. Don’t quote it to fit your immoral life, use it to CHANGE your immoral life. We should have more honor for God and His word than we do. It actually shakes me up when I hear someone tainting it to fit a certain choice or lifestyle.

Y’all. Read His word. You should know it better than anything else. You should be able to quote it better than anything else. You should love and live it more than anything else.

“Do not add to or subtract from these commands I am giving you. Just obey the commands of the Lord your God that I am giving you.”

Deuteronomy 4:2 NLT

I’m totally cool with people living life how they want to on their own ticket, but don’t think you’ve bought a one way ticket to God based on sin. Jesus didn’t come for people to “stay” the same. YES, he hung out with sinners, but they did not STAY sinners. He came to save them from the world, not to allow them to stay in their muck and mire.

I implore you to properly LOVE the people in your life by being real with them. Jesus didn’t nullify the word of God, He came to fulfill it. His love is, YES, for everyone but that love should implore CHANGE, it should not leave that person the same!

Love isn’t acceptance. Love is a sacrifice of ones self for someone else. It demands change. It creates an environment for change. It sees that change in your life already happening.

“On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Mark 17:2

““Now I am coming to you. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy. I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. They do not belong to this world any more than I do. Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth.”

John 17:13-17 NLT

Why would you want a God that allows you to stay far from Him? Why would you want a God that requires nothing from you? Why would you want a God who is inconsistent? What kind of relationship is that really breeding? How long lasting is that? How purposeful is that really?

This is just one sinners viewpoint. I’ve really tried within the last year to love people THROUGH their brokenness. Notice the word. Through. Not in their brokenness. THROUGH.

The word IN mandates that the person stays there, that nothing is required to change, that you can just mellow there in your own brokenness and I’ll just be a passenger along the way, not really offering any direction to get off that path.

The word through requires action to get them from one side to the next. It requires action, purpose, and a plan to see that person successfully overcome that brokenness in Jesus! It gives them the tools needed to navigate life in Him well. Two varying different viewpoints: but also two varying different results.

One results in no change of their lives what-so-ever and one evokes change to get to Him!

“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness” 2 Timothy 3:16

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”

Psalm 119:105

So, while the Christian culture seeks to be “relevant” to the world, they are making themselves irrelevant to the God they supposedly serve.

If their ever was a time to KNOW His word more than you know the sitcom you watch, or the music artist you follow, or that book author who’s got another best selling book out, or the belief of someone else, NOW is the time!

His word is meant to make you uncomfortable, it’s meant to make you question your choices and decisions, it’s meant to cause sacrifice to follow Jesus right to His father in heaven!

Let’s not miss it because we care more concerned about “fitting” in than truly being different than this world, and setting ourselves aside for the almighty God!

Until next time,

Becca

Persevering Childhood

Preserving childhood:

This has been something that really has been in my forefront lately. A few years back I felt God asking me to go back to my foundation, and to then create a good foundation for my children.

In going back, I found a lot that was working and a lot that was definitely not working. I found things about my personality, character, health and mental health, childhood,faith, etc that needed sorting through. The journey through these things wasn’t easy, but it was needed and refreshing.

You may wonder what any of that has to do with preserving my children’s childhood. It quite literally has everything to do with that. The way we are raised, our mindsets, our character, our faith, all these things influence how we raise our children. I realized quite quickly that I was being a drill sergeant with my five year old. I had a check list in my brain of things she had to know and when she wasn’t grasping them, I buckled down harder and became even more determined for her to learn. Meanwhile, her words were that of a child, wanting so much to create a childhood. “Can I go play?” “Can I go outside now?”

My response. You can go play when you can master this!

My heart breaks at this now. It breaks that I didn’t let her be a child more. It breaks that I didn’t slow down and realize she needed that more. It breaks my heart that I made our homeschooling look like every other school. That’s exactly what I did NOT want to create.

I had wanted to create a place where we had FREEDOM and a good foundation. I wanted simplicity. I wanted to have a home where learning was an adventure, not a chore to be crossed off our to do list.

I love that our Heavenly Father has created in us a love for learning. We as culture have killed that little by little. Education is another thing to cross off a list, instead of being a spark in our minds that creates passions for further exploration! I want my children to LOVE learning, and that looks different than just sitting in front of books all day. It looks like taking them outside, embarking in the world around them and seeing their creator in everything around us! Education isn’t just abc’s and numbers, equations, and learning to read, it’s so much more than just those things!

Teach them to grow things, and they’ll grow too. Teach them to build things, and they’ll expand too. Teach them to explore, and they’ll find new things everyday. Teach them to slow down, and those roses will come to life. Teach them to learn in every area of life, and their world is going to expand. Teach them to cook, and food will come alive to them. Teach them to play! Teach them to make messes! Teach them to dive deeper! Take the time to cultivate what makes a good foundation. It’ll cultivate a childhood full of LIFE for them. It will preserve childhood.

And, along the way, in my search for that childhood for them, I have found that in myself again. I have a new found JOY, in spending childhood with my kids. In throwing away what we don’t need, and adding what we so desperately need. They need to play. They need to be little. They need to make messes. They NEED this. Someday they’ll NEED these moments and memories. It’s our JOB to let them be, and let them be little.

So, if in the middle of school my daughter wants to read, we read. If in the middle of school, she wants to run outside in the rain, we run. If in the middle of our day, she wants to paint, we paint. If in the middle of our day, she wants to make a snack, we make a messy one.

If my son wants to make mud pies, we make the baddest mud pies. If he wants to paint Mount Fuji for his aunt, we paint it. If he wants to be captain America for the day, we all become superheroes. If my son wants to run outside and jump in puddles, we throw rain boots on and go for it.

We always find our way back to our “school”, but more importantly we always can find our way back to childhood. In doing so, we create a firm foundation. One they come back to over and over again, one they build upon, one they create with, one they can make messes on.

So, my encouragement? Go play in the rain. Go jump in the puddles. Go have ice cream for dinner. Go pick dandelions. Go be a kid with your kid. So much of life is there. Preserve their childhood, while remembering yours.

Until next time,

Becca

Seedlings!

We’ve been gearing up for spring here in New York. Which means all I can think about is gardening and fresh produce coming our way this fall. My dad has always been an avid gardener, and it must be contagious, because I can’t wait to sit and dig my hands into soil every year.

It brings me peace, joy and satisfaction to cultivate the land. I grew up loving our garden, we had so much fresh fruits and vegetables growing up! It was always the best day when my mom would send me into the garden to “pick” her berries or carrots. She didn’t end up with much in the basket, and my belly ended up happy! But, hey, she would always ask me even though she knew this!

I wanted to pass some of that joy down to my kids this year. We don’t live on a lot of land, but my husband made me some planter boxes last year to satisfy my gardening wishes. He’s the best, truly! So, we ventured into planting some seedlings for our garden this year! Normally, I just go to a farmer’s market and grab some planters, but I wanted my kids to see and feel the whole process!

My dad was kind enough to guide me, and loan me some of his equipment. We got all of the supplies ready, and went seed shopping at our local store. The kids loved picking out their seeds! They settled on basil, tomatoes, broccoli and peppers to start! We will add more later that need less time to grow!

The next day we dove into planting our seeds! We set up our plant light, grabbed our planters, dirt and seeds! The kids were all about putting the dirt into the planters, and they made such a mess doing so! It was a lot of fun teaching them, and showing them how to plant heir seeds properly! They did a fabulous job!

My son was so eager, that he sat with planters for the day. He ate lunch with them, talked to them, and basically encouraged them to grow! It was the funniest thing. He was disappointed I said it would take a few days to see anything pop!

I printed some printables about the life cycle of a plant, and we read gail gibbons book “from seed to plant” . She’s an excellent author! The books are bright, educational and an easy read. The kids love her books and learned a lot from it. I also bought the life cycle of a bean toy on amazon, and that was a helpful hands on item for the kids!

Today we woke up to multiple shoots poking up! The kids were beside themselves with excitement. It’s really brought it to life for them, being able to do all these stages so far! They are already talking about when we can plant the young plants in a few weeks!

We are super excited about the process so far! We can’t wait to share more with you as the plants grow and start our outdoor garden! Stay tuned!

-Becca

I’m okay, really.

It’s okay to not be okay!

How many of us needed to hear that today? That it’s okay to NOT be okay. I am guessing more than would like to admit to it. I wanted to take some time to talk about something that has been personal to me. I’ve touched on talking about depression, anxiety, etc in other posts but not like I am going to today.

I’ve always had some level of anxiety, and honestly, never found a way to process that anxiety or even admit to the fact that it was there. I buried it. I hid it.

I didn’t realize I even had it for the longest time, until social engagements, dirty houses, long lists, etc would cause me to go into a tail spin. I’d get frazzled, angry and even more anxious at the anxiety. It was this vicious cycle that I couldn’t get control of within me.

As a mom and wife full time, I feel the weight of my mental and emotional health so much. It has a trickle down effect on everyone around me!

But, I don’t really want to stay focused on the symptoms of depression or anxiety, as much as I want to talk about the emotions to hide them. I feel like the pressure to be OKAY is astronomical. It’s almost overwhelming. The need to be okay at your workplace, home, family, etc, is also a burden. Usually, I found that I would FEEL worse about walking around being “okay” rather than just being real. I would go home and tell my husband “well, if people knew I lost my crap today because I was feeling overwhelmed, they wouldn’t want to be my friend.”

Sad thing is, I started to believe that, and it started to become my identity. I could be real about everything else, but I needed to be real with myself about the anxiousness I was feeling.

My identity was in hiding things about me, instead of who I really am. You see, I couldn’t find freedom from those symptoms until I admitted to them. I started opening up about being anxious, angry, and panicky when things didn’t go according to my plan or even when they did. I started reading my Bible specifically about what I was feeling, and praying before my feet hit the ground. I started laying down my day to Him, and let me tell you, my days started getting lighter! It’s not a magic genie solution. But it’s a start in finding my way out of anxiety, into a world of peace and trust of my creator!

Why am I telling you all this, well, for one simple reason. Don’t hide behind anxiety and depression, put yourself right in front of it, by allowing yourself to be real with it. It doesn’t need to define you as a secret and it surely won’t define you out in the open! It manifests itself in more ways than one, and most people, are facing something today. He has more for you than to hide in shame of these symptoms, it doesn’t have to be where you camp for the rest of life. You can have peace. You can have joy. You can have more! I’ve been focusing my heart on the His heart, and how He feels towards His people. He’s there for the broken more than anyone else. He’s capable of bringing peace into chaos. He’s able to calm the storm in our lives. He understands us more than we give Him credit, and He’s able to do exceedingly more than we can think or imagine. But, first, we need to start being real, so the very real Heavenly Father can save us from ourselves.

If you need someone to encourage you, support you, pray for you, talk you off the ledge, stand with you, listen to you, I would love to be there for you! Please, don’t hesitate to reach out and be real, you’ll be refreshed in how you feel. And just remember, sometimes it’s okay to not be okay, and to be honest in that!

Until next time,

Becca xo