Loss

Miscarriage. That dreaded word.

That word, brings a flood of raw emotion that still linger months later.

We had just given birth to Olive four months prior, this baby was a surprise but a happy one! We were amped at the news! Literally so shocked, we took boxes full of pregnancy tests. Ha!

We were 12 weeks pregnant at the time of the miscarriage. Days away from 13 weeks, and right before we would see baby for the first time.

But, God is gracious. I knew something wasn’t adding up based on how I felt and some spotting. It was His sweet way of saving me from being blindsided. It gave me the weekend to process, brace myself, and talk it out, and really cry it out. I told my husband “God is the giver of the gift of life. I trust Him with it.”

I felt peace in that statement, more and more as the weekend passed I knew that to be true, and I knew the frailty of life in way that I didn’t before now.

We went to the doctor knowing something was up, my spirit just knew something wasn’t right like it was with the other three. I remember telling the technician that she wouldn’t find what she thought that day.

I was right. I stared at a life-less little one on a screen, and my heart instantly broke in a way that you can’t describe. That was my biggest fear, seeing it up close and being able to identify that sweet babe. It was unreal.

I felt broken. I felt to blame. I felt hopeless. I felt angry. I felt disappointed. I felt hundred things in those ten minutes. Some emotions I couldn’t even identify. The emotional pain was a lot.

We did the whole doctor conversation thing, where I was basically drowned her out and wanted home. The next day we went into a full blown miscarriage, which included an ER visit, medicine to slow bleeding and IV’s for support. It was the most painful and wretched thing I’ve ever experienced. It didn’t end there, but continued for another 24 hours.

When it was all said it done, we had multiple ER trips, saw lots of doctors, took lots of meds and lost a whole lot. Thankful for our friends and family that stepped up, and loved us through the mess!

It was devastating. When we find out we were pregnant, we instantly planned. We were excited for this baby. We were ready. We were happy it would be so close in age to Olive. We planned names out for each gender. So many things were going into this baby and he/she wasn’t even here yet. Our hearts were broken. In some ways, they still are. If I think about our sweet love my heart sinks but also rejoices. It’s a weird balance of emotions.

When you have a baby, you get to take it home. You get to love on it. Name it. Know it. Care for it. Watch it grow.

When you miscarry, you lose all of that. You lose all those memories, and you are left with one last painful memory of a baby you never got to know fully.

BUT, in all of that, God is so faithful. He has been working through me in this brokenness. Reminding me that He knew this baby, that He holds this baby now. What great comfort to know my Heavenly Father KNOWS, SEES and HEARS us. That He created us, fashioned us and wove us together. That I have a confident hope in seeing that baby again someday. What joy that’ll be to get that moment!

I didn’t get what I wanted. I didn’t get my way. It still sucks. It still hurts. I still have to process that continually. BUT, I know He will take this season, and grow seeds of goodness in me. I know He holds what is dear to me, because it is more dear to Him!

I trust Him even when I don’t understand Him. I trust Him even when I don’t agree with the decision. I trust Him, because He never fails. I know He has good in this brokenness.

I’ve been told repeatedly since our son that having kids “would” be difficult, due to health reason, and that it was amazing I had TWO healthy kids, and Olive was miracle baby basically. I just sit there and go “Thank you GOD for the gift of life even if it is short! I’m so thankful to have each one be mine!”

I’m just thankful. Thankful that God is bigger than doctors, health obstacles, brokenness, and more. Thankful He has good for us even when life is throwing us lemons! I know GOD is using this for His glory because each one of my kids is here because of HIM, and He is holding one for me!

Also. Be kind. Let your words be kind to mama’s everywhere, you just do not know their stories! Whether it’s easy or hard, fun or terrible, motherhood is full of joy and grief, and we should rejoice with them and cry along with them. Each babe is a gift. Let’s thank Him for them whether we hold them here or will hold them later.

Until next time,

Becca